Broken and Alone

So staring at this blank screen is like staring at my life,

The past once so full and rich has gone, cut off with a knife.

A Metaphor you’re thinking for something I have lost,

No, my dear, I can answer, a knife, a boot, but a fist the most.

I am now Invisible a remnant of myself,

left broken and alone gathering dust upon a shelf.

Domestic Violence is a crime and should be punished I agree

But with PTSD and left disabled, alone in another town why should it be me?

Bitterness has turned to please Karma where have you gone

Have you abandoned me also? I have been alone for so long.

Or do I not exist, from the time he walked out the door?

I want to be seen, my story told, no longer Invisible, it’s time to be bold.

Take a stand, well a wheelchair for me, Abuse and Violence needs to stop NOW

I am but one voice who lost so much, my children and I were moved safely somehow.

We are lucky, some are not, I may be upset and complaining but that’s cause I’m alive.

Domestic Violence can end in death, families destroyed, think of those that don’t survive.

Kim Louise 2017

via Daily Prompt: Invisible

Night of the patient Outpatient overload

Hello, it’s me, wow what a time I have had. Would be good to say I enjoyed it but no the opposite is the truth. The story thus far:

After feeling drained and under the weather since Christmas, on a Sunday a few weeks back my girls had a disagreement, one more vocal than the other. Actually, if I am, to be honest, the one being very vocal, using extremely harsh words, and the shouting was awful and this aggravates my PTSD, I had to raise my voice to make her leave the room, which always upsets me and brings on headaches. Later that day I felt like a balloon burst inside my head, I heard the noise and slowly things faded away. I shuffled to my bed and spoke to one of my girls, then the next thing I knew I had Paramedics surrounding me. I found it difficult to understand what was going on or to make them understand me, I knew who my family were so why did they keep saying she won’t recognise anyone. Decision made hospital was required, that will stay with me as the night of the patient outpatient overload.

Worcester Hospital A&E was groaning, bricks and mortar being forced apart at every join, ambulances arriving, bodies piling, no room to be seen. Corridors full, Ambulances stood still, triage to be assessed whilst still on board. Nurses feet were dashing, Dr’s stethoscope flashing and x-ray hadn’t slowed down for hours.

I lay on this trolley saying take me home I’m ok, nothing wrong with me this day, my family just shook their heads and said mum just lie still. Hours passed trolleys moved, patients came and some they went. Still, I lay there, the nurse then Dr, CT scan I think you need, results come back you have had a little bleed, well that took the smile off my face and made me want to cry “not again” “I’ve been there before” but I smile and said what now then Doc, Admittance to the stroke ward when a bed is free but the hospital is busy not easy, so sorry, he said and I felt for the staff, deeply .

You have had a stroke – NOooooo I am only 51

No stroke It is an aneurysm(a blood clot) in an unusual place – wow I had this 8 yrs ago

it has burst no

this how the conversations were going and after 5 days I was allowed home with no answers and just a QE Birmingham app will follow this up now.

Stranded, Isolated, Scared, Concerned.

My discharge sheet is a bunch of contradictions and some bizarre medications that I definitely don’t take. So I wait for a letter with what may or may not be a ticking time bomb in my head. Because the NHS dying, the nurses are run off their feet and work long hours, lay quietly the conversations are amazing, one nurse left because she earns more in retail and working fewer hours, others work agency because the pay is better. A nurse travels from Bristol to Worcester several days a week, she is an agency nurse I will say a fantastic nurse at that. Where are our nurses? who knows. Our NHS is in need of some medical help, I met some fantastic nursing staff but when you there and A&E is overflowing literally out through the doors, both sides of the corridor is full and some of the side corridors it is not acceptable to the staff or patients.

These problems have been exasperated by the closure of local A&E department in other hospitals again due to the ever decreasing money pit available to the NHS.

The question I ask myself is who is to blame?

is it the Government should they give more money to the NHS?

is it the influx of immigrants putting a massive strain on an already tight budget?

is it the mismanagement of funds within the NHS i.e. too many managers, not enough workers?

There has to be a way to bring our NHS back to life. Peoples health is suffering because hospitals are not able to fully do the job they need to, in many cases its patch up and ship out, obviously, I am talking about my experience in one hospital and times I have been told of others having issues and Gp’s well that’s another story.  ..

So here I am PTSD spiking, head is aching, snow is melting, and I am so so cold but I am going to leave you with a smile and just a thought, yesterday is passed, tomorrow is just a promise, but today is here so enjoy, I am so grateful that I am here and breathing.

#WorcesterRoyalHospital #hospital #nurses #NHS #stroke #aneurysm #PTSD

Ideas flood a mind in a body broke

Too many ideas flood my mind.

I’m guessing it’s cause I’m sat on my behind

Words to be written 1000’s to pour out

|Then there’s the painting, drawing, charcoals, so many I shout.

Craftwork crochet? no knitting, no sewing I think!!

Oh, and scenes to make of miniature worlds fantasy to shrink.

Reading books stacked high, courses to start.

A language to learn, no I’m not smart.

All this time I struggle, my body it aches.

Stops me from moving, oh and keeps me awake.

My body is damaged, it doesn’t matter how.

Dwelling on the past won’t help now.

So, a bucket list firstly of what I want to achieve

A timetable, flexible so all projects have a chance to take seed.

The budget, beastly word but time to get tough.

I guess my finances need sorting, they do look a bit rough.

A calendar or diary for appointments and such

Well, I might get invited to lunch, you never know my luck.

What else can I work on in my aim to improve,

Oh no! Oh well, weight and how do I lose

I’m going to share my opinions on anything I like.

Customer service to memories of my Yamaha Bike.

The lyrics of a current favourite song or a film review

BECAUSE I CAN AT LAST DO WHAT I WANT TO DO…

Kim Louise 2016

Words from a domestic abuse victim, no not victim, Victor. Life suppressed for many years till now free but the body is broken and the mind free, no escaping so I thought, but there is always a way and this is my way.

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This is me, oh dear

Hello, Hola Bonjour and well Hey nice to meet you flat white screen.

This is not a depressing blog this is I hope a helpful one.

I am approaching my 52 birthday rapidly, it’s chasing me like a mad bull across a grassy field. But the bull hasn’t realised I have stopped running and am patiently waiting because ‘age is but a number’. I can’t stop time so no point trying. So I shall happily wait and confuse that poor old bull and enjoy my self.

Anyway whoever heard of a rather plump wheelchair user propelling herself forward to avoid a charging bull especially on grass. Not a chance in, well let’s leave it at not a chance.

I describe myself as a

Mum of many…VICTOR of domestic abuse….. now reliant on a chariot with wheels because of said abuse ….he may have won a few battles but I won the WAR… I survived to rise and continue to be a mum to my children…I am plump that is a rather funny word, I tried being politically correct, but have to say it how it is I am large, of ample build, yes I wobble when I laugh, yes, yes like a bowl full of jelly.

Truthfully I am ‘the one and only’ disabled diva with the imagination that could live with the Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts, I see beauty in everyone and spreading smiles across the miles is all I want to do. I am not a perfect 10(maybe double that) I cant ‘Walk on Sunshine’ anymore so I shall Wheel on Rainbows

This is my life past, take what you need and it might help you not become me, Either to raise you up when life takes you down or to help you see there is always light.

This is my life present come laugh and smile and let’s try new things cause today is our day. Yesterday is past, tomorrow is but a promise, but today, TODAY is here and now

Don’t forget life teaches us lessons for us to learn by.

See you soon